"Midget" is the new "Nigger" and Other Cultural Sensitivity Seminars


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Contact Revenge Crabs

If you’re looking to contact the extremely potent Powers That Be at RevengeCrabs.com, you’ve luckily clicked on the right page. Here is where you can inquire about a number of things that may be important to you, even if they aren’t as important to us, just by completing our online form.

Order Status –

If you’ve already placed an order and wish to track shipping status, feel free to use our contact form. Please recognize that it can take up to seven (7) business days for the order to even register in our customer care system. After this time, we can provide tracking numbers and order status to you, but please include your shipping ID number and customer ID/PIN when placing your request.

News Media Request –

If you’re looking to reach one of our principals for your news story, please use our contact form. We would be happy to talk with you, whether it’s a story to praise or express detest of us. Just let us know what your story angle will be, and for what purpose (newspaper interview, on-air sound bite recording, or in-show guest appearance) and we’ll be happy to setup an interview with one of our founding members, or our publicity rep Dew, depending on your needs. If you have simple interview questions, just send them (along with your deadline) and we’ll do our best to provide the answers you require.

Refund Request –

If you have received a batch of DOA crabs, we may be able (limited) to provide exchanges. We have never yet provided a refund to a buyer, but we won’t rule it out. We have had instances where we believed the crabs colonies were received Dead On Arrival, specifically due to the heat wave that swept the Midwest last year, but in almost every case we will exercise our option to send you replacement crabs in lieu of refunding your money. Feel free to send an email with the details of your transaction, but please allow 2-5 business days prior to response.

Has My Ex Ordered From You? –

Although this question is asked more often than that of “if we need another drink”, the answer to the former is forever “I don’t know” (while the latter remains, “yes please, and make it a double.” We continue our commitment to never answering such questions, and not just because it’s uncomfortable (more for you than for us,) but because we are fanatical about protecting the confidence of our customers. For conversation sake, let’s just say that “no”, your ex didn’t buy crabs from us, but that he/she actually got them from you… how does that feel?

Question –

If you’d like to ask us a question, we’d love to answer it, even if it pertains to whether or not we’d like to make sweet, sensual, patience, incensed love with your sticky, saddened, troubled, grieving vagina. Yes we would, crabs or no, just please tell us your hotel room and what time we can expect to find you awake and clean-scrubbed.

Complaint –

If you’re looking to complain about our service, it’s evidently because you’re embarrassingly afflicted with the Crabs Lices, and that you think we’re somehow responsible for it. If you’re filing a complaint for other reasons, and that’s totally possible, I guess, it can only because you’re mad you don’t yet have the crabs that make you derisorily demarked by their red, irritated bumpiness. Whatever the cause or case, you can still contact us, because we still think of you as hot, whether you’re the victim, aggressor, or would-be version of either… baby.

Compliment –

We get more compliments than we know what to do with, and the best of them adorn our office walls as tribute to the great things we offer for our world at large. If you have a compliment to pay us, don’t hesitate, and don’t take out credit to do it, just shoot us a load of letters forming words to tell us how awesome we are. We’d love to hear from you.